Confronting a Child Molester

Confronting a child molester



Were I to find out my child was sexually assaulted by ANYONE – including members of my own family – my first instinct would be to smash their head against the wall a few times and then make sure they feel the shards of glass as they fly through the plate glass window. That would be for a minor transgression!

There are few crimes I find more deplorable than child molestation: torture and murder head the short list. But like all responsible adults, PREPARING (even mentally) for an emergency will oftentimes bring cooler heads to the forefront to provide the necessary actions required. Like fire drills where we were taught to proceed calmly to the nearest exit, you should at least consider what I’m about to tell you regarding confronting someone who MAY have molested your child. (Note: Remember not everyone who is accused is guilty. A teacher’s assistant in Florida was assaulted by a father because his high school daughter claimed he groped her. Come to find out, school surveillance cameras proved she was lying. )

So with that being said:

First – please notify the police. Even if you plan on going to the person’s house and breaking every bone in their body — call the police and let them know what’s going on. You need the police to collect evidence. Evidence is what puts the child molester in prison. I know, I know — in the heat of the moment, you may be thinking prison is too good for this bastard. And I couldn’t necessarily disagree. BUT, that’s why we need to mentally practice beforehand. You will need evidence. At least for your own trial, to PROVE the person WAS molesting your child before you had a moment of temporary insanity!

The child molester might have pictures, letters, emails — all sorts of incriminating evidence, not only pertaining to your child, but perhaps others, and this needs to be collected by the police. If you tip your hand and allow them to know they’ve been discovered, you can bet their first priority will be to destroy any and all evidence. These guys are connected through internet predator groups and advise each other on ways of dodging prosecution. They’re ready at a moment’s notice to destroy incriminating evidence – Don’t give them the moment!

Also, hopefully the police will get there before you do and prevent you from doing anything that will land you in prison and further harm the healthy development of your child. Your child needs you at this time. Their world has just been turned upside down. Their sense of trusting others, of trusting themselves, of their own judgement– everything is swirling in an maelstrom of chaos and confusion. Try try try to control yourself so you can get them through this. Destroying the molester might very well make you feel empowered temporarily, but you need to be the rock, the moral compass on which your child charts their course toward adulthood. You are their example of normality. You are their security. And none of that can be accomplished while you’re cell’ing it with Grand Theft Bubba at the State Pen for 5 to 7.

One last recommendation for those who choose to disregard everything I’ve just advised: I’m told your elbow is the strongest impact point on your body. I didn’t say that.


18 thoughts on “Confronting a Child Molester

  1. I recently found out that my uncle started molesting my mom when she was 7, and he was 15. I so badly want to destroy him. My mother told me my grandparents knew it was happening. My mother is now in her mid 50s. Both her parents are dead. How can I bring this to light? Besides writing it grass killer on his front yard.

    1. Beverly, I realize you “want to destroy” your uncle, but that is your mother’s choice. Many victims have moved on, and stirring it up again 40 years later may muddy her life and emotions in a way she doesn’t anticipate nor desire. Confrontation may drag her through an emotional upheaval causing HER more harm.

      However, if she conveyed in you because she too desires to confront her brother, I advise both of you understand what it is you hope to accomplish. Make it very clear with one another WHAT EXACTLY do you both want from the confrontation? Apologies, confessions, remorse will most likely not be shown. More probable is his denial and counter slander of you both. Prosecution is also improbable at this point. In truth you’re left with basically two outcomes – public/family humiliation of him / release for your mother from having kept the secret for so long. If those are the gold nuggets you will be content with, then it may serve you. If not, if you are hoping for something greater – some greater healing or answer for it all, it would be better to see a therapist. I would suspect that she holds extreme confusion and anger for her parents for allowing it to happen. And unfortunately, she’ll never find peace with that now that they are gone.

      She has my sympathies and prayers.

  2. name is nadine. My daughter was molested by my ex for 5 yrs..between the ages of 4-9 or 10. I tried thru the law to stop him but bc he passed a lie detector and his specific type of abuse was pleasing himself in front of her..there was not sufficient evidence to prosecute. My baby had had so many problems since then and still not leadinlife. This creep has remarriwd, has a 13 yr old son and has never had any repercussions for this. Recently, my daughter found him on Facebook and sent him a msg. She wants to confront him. I want to prosecute him…please help! We need this to end.

    1. Nadine, thank you for your recent comment and question on my website.

      I’m afraid I’m not always the right person to ask about these things. Although I have a unique perspective on it, in the end, I’m just a lay person with no professional training as a therapist or legal consultant.

      Your question was outside my comfort range for answering, but I think it’s important someone tries to help you…thus I consulted a licensed psychologist for your specific question. Here is what she advised I communicate to you.

      It is unclear how old your daughter is at this point; whether she is still a teen, or perhaps an adult. What is clear is that she is having issues and needing some sort of resolution/explanation. Typically in these situations, the victim (child) has a fantasy of reaching out and having the perpetrator confess their guilt. Apologize and tell them that it wasn’t their (the child’s) fault. To ask forgiveness and say how ashamed and regretful they are. The fantasy helps the inner child heal the terrible disparity between the person they loved and the havoc wreaked upon them. However, in nearly all cases, the response from the perpetrator isn’t what the victim wants to hear and thus causes even more pain and confusion, and possibly anger.

      As a mother, it is understandable how you want to lash out and hurt the person who hurt your child — but at this moment, you should focus on the hurting child and not your ex-husband. Hurting him will not help your daughter. It may feel good, like justice, but your daughter will be none the better for it. Focus now on your daughter. She is obviously having issues (now) and that is why she is seeking to communicate with him. Even if she had professional help after it happened, this is occurring now. The advice is to get her therapeutic help. Have a professional work through this with her and if confrontation will help her heal, then the therapist can advise (after knowing much more than I do) what is the best route… what to expect… how to manage the whole thing.

      Perhaps not the information you wanted… but healing the victim is always the first priority before punishing the offender. Be the mom she needs right now, and not the ex-wife who wants revenge. Your daughter needs her mom.


  3. My nephew has just told me my brother-in-law molested him as a child (he’s 60 now). He has said he’s in counseling now and has mentioned wanting to kill him. I have constant contact with my brother-in-law and he doesn’t know that I know. How should I handle this situation?

  4. I am considering “visiting” my rapist of when I was 8 years old, (he raped me over 20 times between 8 and 10 years old, and I still have physical damage not to mention emotional of course). thanks to the Internet and making it so easy to find where people live now, I’ve found his address in Arkansas. The problem is I’m not sure exactly how to confront him and how to save up the $ to get there from the NW. I’m 54 years old now, and over a dozen women from my old neighborhood have told me that they shared a similar fate as me at his hands. And yet he has lived in many states now, and none of them has he been listed on the police predator lists. I wonder how many trips to Thailand? How many of us here in the US. Have suffered at his hands and how many possibly still do? Can anyone out there tell me what they would do… there no creative paths to justice?

  5. My son is 18 now but when he was three he was being sexually abused. His step dad and I reported it to the police but nothing ever became of it. My son cannot remember it but he does have reaccuring nightmares. In his nightmares he says there are two males but he cannot see their faces. I am divorced now but have always wondered if it was my ex husband. He was very abussive both emotionally verbally and sexually to me during our marriage. I just found out that him and his best friend were in a homosexual relationship before him and I were together. Something which he has kept secret and never mentioned. I have two other boys with this man who now has both our boys living with him. How do I help my son and make sure my other sons have not been abused. I would like to confront him but know that would not be a good idea. Help…..

    1. Amber,

      I am so sorry to hear of your dilemma. I suppose the very first step would be to assess how your boys are doing? Are they showing any signs of emotional trouble or physical abuse? Depending on their ages, my book is a great conversation starter. It delves into the subject without EVER planting false seeds in their minds. The worst thing one can do is accuse another of molestation when it isn’t true – even if you strongly dislike the person, or even suspect. There must be proof. The book initiates conversation which facilitates the feelings of security needed to break the secrets, reduce the shame, and tell on the predator(s).

      Good luck.

  6. I was molested repeatedly when I was thirteen on a mission trip to Haiti. The man was twenty three at the time. This was nineteen years ago and I just now told my family and husband two weeks ago and am currently in the process of working out the next step to this process. He works as a high school teacher and is surrounded by kids and is also still leading trips to Haiti (with kids). Because this happened in Haiti I am told there is no jurisdiction in the U.S. Any advice?

    1. 1) Although there may be no legal repercussions regarding your ordeal, you can still notify his employer. You can still confront him. Oftentimes, when one victim speaks out, others come forward as well. It’s possible if there are others, they could have circumstances that could indict him.

      I wish you the best in your process. The great news is you are on the way. After shame, come’s anger, then pride, then courage… then the higher levels of healing and well being.

  7. What if the children are in their 20’s and 30’s when the told and the perpetrator confesses to me the mother. So very hard to wrap my head around and now it’s been almost 8 years. They don’t want the publicity and are afraid for me.

    1. Sharon,

      I’m not sure where you live, but if you are a resident in the US – I believe the statute of limitations has not passed, and the Predator can be fully prosecuted. Here’s a link to check your state if a US citizen.

      In the end you need to do what’s in the best interest of You, your family, and other children who could suffer due to silence. Your children have NOTHING to be ashamed about and unless the predator is a public celebrity of some importance, either local or national, there is going to be very little publicity. Unfortunately, this sickening madness goes on all the time in all places.

      Unfortunately, I cannot advise you what to do. You’ll have to come to that decision.

  8. Actually, your knee is more powerful than your elbow, and there are 2 easy ways to dispose of a body completely, leaving no evidence, but you didn’t hear that from me.

    1. Unfortunately there is no timeline on justice. And that is usually in the predators benefit. If you look at a famous American case of film director Roman Polanski, who fled USA for asylum in Europe after raping a young starlett — the (now) woman doesn’t want him to be brought back and tried simply because 30+ years later, it keeps dredging up the event for her and she can’t move on with her life. There is no resolution for her and she’s tired of having to relive it. She just wants to move on. I encourage you to stick with the process no matter how long it takes! Never give up! That predator took something from your child (innocence, trust, etc) and they deserve to have the most significant punishment extracted upon them in return. Your child will never get that innocence back, but you both can perhaps help it from happening to another. Godspeed to you both.

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